[X] A deep thinker
although if people say that about me i assume they are being sarcastic or patronizing
[X] A prolific writer drawn to poetry
i was drawn to writing and poetry but i have a lot of anxiety over writing because of perfectionism and i want to figure so many things out before i start writing them down and so i don't do it as much as i want to
people have always told me that i am "smart" from my childhood and as recently as my last job but it feels like a lot of pressure and i'm afraid of having too high an opinion of myself
i try to because i think it's really important but i don't know how well i actually see things. sometimes i wonder how much i am susceptible to cognitive biases that prevent me from seeing things clearly or not taking into account other people's subjective viewpoints enough?
[X] Analyzes existence, the meaning of life, and everything, continually
this is like my every waking moment and a lot of my dreaming ones
[X] Serious and matter-of-fact in nature
most of the time? but i like being silly or making jokes but a lot of the time i can't think of amusing things in conversation particularly so i worry that i am boring people
i worry about doing this but i must be doing it because there are so many things
[X] Doesn’t simplify
it really annoys me when people try to oversimplify things but at the same time abstractions are necessary to function?
[X] Everything is complex
i guess i'm really drawn to theories of the world that focus on subjectivity and consciousness and different perspectives and cultural norms and theories of social change and movement and reflexive identity relations and neoclassical economics really annoys me because it tries to reduce people down to rational entities or something that have like a simple set of needs and attributes and that doesn't make sense?
[X] Often gets lost in own thoughts and “checks out” (blank stare)
this used to happen more often to the point where i would unknowingly block out external stimuli so i could concentrate but i learned that it's not socially acceptable
[X] Naïve
Yes particularly when i was younger i had to learn the hard way not to trust people and was really fortunate, like mostly i was just taken advantage of financially and not in other ways and so that was okay.
[X] Honest
Umm, i try to be at least honest with myself but sometime it's hard
[X] Experiences trouble with lying
[X] Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty
i definitely don't understand why people enjoy manipulation
[X] Finds it difficult to understand vindictive behavior and retaliation
hmm maybe i understand retaliation better or at least wanting to fight back if i feel like someone has hurt me
[X] Easily fooled and conned
very much
[X] Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed
[X] Feelings of being misplaced and/or from another planet
[X] Feelings of isolation
this did happen at once (at least?)
[X] Survives overwhelming emotions and senses by escaping in thought or action
though mostly or walking or reading
[X] Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects
once i get into something i can't stop myself from wanting to explore it to the fullest extent possible
[X] Escapes routinely through imagination, fantasy, and daydreaming
[X] Escapes through mental processing
[X] Escapes through the rhythm of words
[X] Philosophizes, continually
i'm always trying to piece everything together so that i can understand how things and people relate and so i always feel overwhelmed and confused
[X] Had imaginary friends in youth
i had one imaginary friend
[X] Imitates people on television or in movies
i used to do this more but then i became afraid of being judged for it
[ ] Treated friends as “pawns” in youth, e.g., friends were “students” “consumers” “members”
i don't understand this
[X] Makes friends with older or younger females more so than friends her age (often in young adulthood)
i can remember relating to older people more and now i guess i relate to younger people?
[X] Imitates friends or peers in style, dress, attitude, interests, and manner (sometimes speech)
i used to do this but again learned that it was considered uncool or something
[X] Obsessively collects and organizes objects
i don't do this as much anymore but i used to love collecting things like i used to collect and categorize live music recordings and i had boxes and they were all in a very particular order but when i decide that something isn't good anymore then i end up purging things
[ ] Mastered imitation
[X] Escapes by playing the same music over and over
[X] Escapes through a relationship (imagined or real)
[X] Numbers bring ease (could be numbers associated with patterns, calculations, lists, time and/or personification)
[X] Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging
[X] Escapes into other rooms at parties
[X] Cannot relax or rest without many thoughts
[ ] Everything has a purpose
i wanted this to be true and maybe that's why i studied philosophy, religion etc. but i don't think it's true anymore i guess
[ ] OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
[X] Sensory Issues (sight, sound, texture, smells, taste) (might have synesthesia)
mostly sounds and lights
sometimes i have paranoid thoughts
[X] Feelings of polar extremes (depressed/over-joyed; inconsiderate/over-sensitive)
i used to think maybe i had mania for this reason but now i don't think so
[ ] Poor muscle tone, double-jointed, and/or lack in coordination (may have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and/or Hypotonia and/or POTS syndrome)
[ ] Eating disorders, food obsessions, and/or worry about what is eaten
[ ] Irritable bowel and/or intestinal issues
[X] Chronic fatigue and/or immune challenges
i am tired a lot
[ ] Experiences multiple physical symptoms, perhaps labeled “hypochondriac”
[X] Questions place in the world
[ ] Often drops small objects
[X] Wonders who she is and what is expected of her
[X] Searches for right and wrong
[X] Since puberty has had bouts of depression (may have PMDD)
this has been one of my main struggles since about the age of nine
[X] Flicks/rubs fingernails, picks scalp/skin, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, paces in circles, and/or clears throat often
flaps hands (i was really relieved when i found out what this was! there are videos of me doing it when i was like 4 years old and it never stopped i still do it now, but i had to work really hard when i was a kid to train myself to never do it in front of anyone because it was so embarrassing the way people reacted!), rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, paces in circles (i love doing this!)
[X] Friends have ended friendship suddenly (without female with AS understanding why) and/or difficult time making friends
i've learned to preemptively end friendships or at least in my mind to do that because i'm afraid of this happening
[X] Tendency to overshare
[X] Spills intimate details to strangers
[X] Raised hand too much in class or didn’t participate in class
didn't participate (i would participate but had to force myself to because it was expected)
[X] Little impulse control with speaking when younger
watching videos of me when i was like 4 and 5 i just never stopped talking
[X] Monopolizes conversation at times
[X] Brings subject back to self
[X] Comes across at times as narcissistic and controlling (is not narcissistic)
i'm so afraid of being perceived this way and i questioned whether i had npd or bpd?
[X] Shares in order to reach out
[X] Often sounds eager and over-zealous or apathetic and disinterested
[X] Holds a lot of thoughts, ideas, and feelings inside
so many of them
[X] Feels as if she is attempting to communicate “correctly”
[X] Obsesses about the potentiality of a relationship with someone, particularly a love interest or feasible new friendship
[X] Confused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, body stance, and posture in conversation
[X] Conversation are often exhausting
[X] Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually
[X] Feels as if missing a conversation “gene” or thought-filter
[X] Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people
[X] Visualizes and practices how she will act around others
definitely like with work interactions or phone conversations i will make a script beforehand in my head and rehearse it
[X] Practices/rehearses in mind what she will say to another before entering the room
[X] Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to others
[X] Has a continuous dialogue in mind that tells her what to say and how to act when in a social situation
[X] Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, inappropriate, or different from others
[X] As a child it was hard to know when it was her turn to talk
[X] Finds norms of conversation confusing
[X] Finds unwritten and unspoken rules difficult to grasp, remember, and apply
[X] Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house but at the same time will often harbor guilt for “hibernating” and not doing “what everyone else is doing”
i have guilt over a lot of my behaviors
[ ] One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat (this can even be a familiar family member)
[ ] Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, doesn’t relieve the anxiety
[X] Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar
[X] Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up
[X] All the steps involved in leaving the house are overwhelming and exhausting to think about
[X] She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments, often days before a scheduled event
[ ] OCD tendencies when it comes to concepts of time, being on time, tracking time, recording time, and managing time (could be carried over to money, as well)
[X] Questions next steps and movements, continually
[X] Sometimes feels as if she is on stage being watched and/or a sense of always having to act out the “right” steps, even when she is home alone
maybe this feeds into why i can't write things because i'm always so embarrassed like i feel like someone is reading it
[X] Telling self the “right” words and/or positive self-talk (CBT) doesn’t typically alleviate anxiety. CBT may cause increased feelings of inadequacy.
[X] Knowing she is staying home all day brings great peace of mind
[X] Requires a large amount of down time or alone time
[X] Feels guilty after spending a lot of time on a special interest
[X] Uncomfortable in public locker rooms, bathrooms, and/or dressing rooms
ugh, this was the worst in school!
[X] Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, and/or crowded theater
theaters are bad and i'm afraid even to enter a gym, i do okay with malls though?
[X] Sensitive to sounds, textures, temperature, and/or smells when trying to sleep
mostly sound and temperature
[ ] Adjusts bedclothes, bedding, and/or environment in an attempt to find comfort
[X] Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature
definitely when i was younger but i don't have as many dreams that i remember lately?
people tell me that this is true but i'm not sure
i often wonder whether my feelings and emotions about other people people's situations and emotions constitute empathy?
[X] Takes criticism to heart
[X] Longs to be seen, heard, and understood
[X] Questions if she is a “normal” person
[X] Highly susceptible to outsiders’ viewpoints and opinions
[X] At times adapts her view of life or actions based on others’ opinions or words
[X] Recognizes own limitations in many areas daily, if not hourly
[X] Becomes hurt when others question or doubt her work
[X] Views many things as an extension of self
[X] Fears others opinions, criticism, and judgment
[X] Dislikes words and events that hurt animals and people
[X] Collects or rescues animals (often in childhood)
[X] Huge compassion for suffering (sometimes for inanimate objects/personification)
[X] Tries to help, offers unsolicited advice, or formalizes plans of action
i used to do this more often but i'm afraid to
[X] Questions life purpose and how to be a “better” person
[X] Seeks to understand abilities, skills, and/or gifts
[X] Feels trapped between wanting to be herself and wanting to fit in
[X] Imitates others without realizing it
[X] Suppresses true wishes (often in young adulthood)
[X] Exhibits codependent behaviors (often in young adulthood)
[X] Adapts self in order to avoid ridicule
this very much!
[X] Rejects social norms and/or questions social norms
also this which makes the above really difficult!
[X] Feelings of extreme isolation
[X] Feeling good about self takes a lot of effort and work
[X] Switches preferences based on environment and other people
[X] Switches behavior based on environment and other people
[X] Didn’t care about her hygiene, clothes, and appearance before teenage years and/or before someone else pointed these out to her
[X] “Freaks out” but doesn’t know why until later
[X] Trouble recognizing what she looks like and/or has occurrences of slight prosopagnosia (difficulty recognizing or remembering faces)
[X] Feels significantly younger on the inside than on the outside (perpetually twelve)
definitely this!
[X] Had a hard time learning that others are not always honest
[X] Feelings seem confusing, illogical, and unpredictable (self’s and others’)
[X] Confuses appointment times, numbers, and/or dates
[ ] Expects that by acting a certain way certain results can be achieved, but realizes in dealing with emotions, those results don’t always manifest
[X] Spoke frankly and literally in youth
[X] Jokes go over the head
[X] Confused when others ostracize, shun, belittle, trick, and betray
[X] Trouble with emotions of hate and dislike
[X] Situations and conversations sometimes perceived as black or white
[X] The middle spectrum of outcomes, events, and emotions is sometimes overlooked or misunderstood (all or nothing mentality)
[X] A small fight might signal the end of a relationship or collapse of world
especially with someone i don't know well, making it very difficult to maintain "casual" friendships
[X] A small compliment might boost her into a state of bliss
[X] Likes to know word origins and/or origin of historical facts/root cause and foundation
[ ] Confused when there is more than one meaning (or spelling) to a word
[X] High interest in songs and song lyrics
[X] Notices patterns frequently
[X] Remembers things in visual pictures
[ ] Writes or creates to relieve anxiety
i want to but mostly i read and think about what i might write, although i do take notes a lot, does that count as writing? i have anxiety about forgetting things and things that i've read and about not organizing my notes on how things relate so that i forget
[X] Has certain “feelings” or emotions towards words and/or numbers
mostly with words
[ ] Words and/or numbers bring a sense of comfort and peace, akin to a friendship
[X] Simple tasks can cause extreme hardship
[X] Learning to drive a car or rounding the corner in a hallway can be troublesome
[X] New places offer their own set of challenges
[X] Anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse a sense of panic
[X] The thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something can cause anxiety
[X] Mundane tasks are avoided
[X] Cleaning self and home may seem insurmountable
this is a constant struggle!
[X] Many questions come to mind when setting about to do a task
[X] Might leave the house with mismatched socks, shirt buttoned incorrectly, and/or have dyslexia and/or dysgraphia
[X] A trip to the grocery store can be overwhelming
[X] Trouble copying dance steps, aerobic moves, or direction in a sports gym class
[X] Has a hard time finding certain objects in the house but remembers with exact clarity where other objects are; not being able to locate something or thinking about locating something can cause feelings of intense anxiety (object permanence challenges) (even with something as simple as opening an envelope)
i have bad panic episodes sometimes over not finding things